


what the hell is this and why did my grandson like it

by whomstoming



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Crack, Crying, Emotional Ass Wiping, Gen, I'm sure there's a tag for shitting yourself but I couldn't find a suggestion for it, Pre-Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Rhea Shits Herself, Why Did I Waste My Time On This, i blame fireemblem.shitpost on ig for inspiration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:49:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24633361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whomstoming/pseuds/whomstoming
Summary: yeah
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	what the hell is this and why did my grandson like it

Seteth was reviewing books donated to the church when Rhea walked into his office with a box of letters for him to reply to.

“Good morning, Seteth.” Rhea warmly smiles at him. “Here’s some letters I’d like you to reply to on behalf of the church.”

“Yes, a good morning and thanks to you.” he replies, barely focused on looking at her. But what did catch his focus was the round brown stain in the middle of the clean white in her dress as she turned around.

A swarm of pissed thoughts buzzed in Seteth’s mind, screaming  _ ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! SHE DID IT AGAIN, SHE FUCKING SHAT HERSELF AGAIN?! THE FLYING  _ **_FUCK?!_ **

“Hey, hey-HEY! Halt, Rhea _. _ ” he shouts. Rhea turns with raised eyebrows and slightly pouty lips, humming in a questioning clarity, like he simply _ had something to ask of her _ . Yeah, no. What he had was enough.

Seteth slams his left palm at her with a furious expression that turns regretful as he closes his eyes, takes a big sigh, puts his other palm on his forehead, and leans his head down.

“Rhea, humans invented toilets for a reason _.  _ They are  _ incredibly convenient  _ inventions, and even  _ Flayn and I  _ have adapted to using them.” he says. “So Rhea, please, I  _ beg  _ of you, use toilets to dispose of your fecal matter. An archbishop who refuses to use toilets and rather  _ shits  _ her clothes is not a suitable authority for people to look up to. Not only that, but if you continue this disgusting habit, you are bound to get infected by an incurable disease. You  _ will  _ die.”

“Seteth, there is no such thing as immortality. We are all bound to cease existence one day.” Rhea whispers, hands held together.

“That is not excusable. You’d die much sooner than you would wish. Just use toilets and learn how to wipe yourself. It is not that difficult. Now, could you leave me be and take care of yourself, please?” he says, looking right into her confused eyes.

“Very well, if that is what you suppose best for my sake.” she nods and leaves. Rhea goes upstairs to find a new, completely identical dress and identical underwear to her own to change out of and heads to a nearby bathroom. In fact all of her clothes are the same dress. Why? I don’t know, it probably reflects her refusal to do what normal people would do or something.

Once she arrives at the bathroom and locks the door, she takes off her current clothes and starts wiping her ass.

As she wipes, she wonders what it would’ve been like if one of her experiments worked. If she successfully revived her mother. Sothis...

For whatever dumb reason she thought that people could only learn how to use the bathroom if their parent taught them how to do so. Rhea did know how to use a toilet, but whenever one of her experiments failed, she’d become depressed and stop using a toilet. So yeah, she was depressed right now.

Tears streamed from her squinted eyes as she kept wiping. Why couldn’t her mother at least been awake to officially teach her how to use a bathroom (multiple times she thought she was doing it wrong. No, she had always known how to wipe her own ass properly, she was doing it just fine.)

When she looked at her piled up toilet paper and saw no brown stains on it, she sat down on the toilet and started to sob uncontrollably.

No one saw Rhea for nearly an hour, but she eventually came out with a clean set of clothes. From then on, she vowed that when she brought back Sothis, she’d ask her to properly teach her how to use the bathroom, and would never forget that personal promise.

**Author's Note:**

> have you heard of the chernobyl elephant's foot


End file.
